How to Acquire Donuts (Without Killing Anyone)

Matt J Weber 🦢
6 min readMay 12, 2020


You don’t want to kill anyone. It’s not really your style. But the urge hits you as a call to adventure of sorts. It begins as an amorphous desire to shake up the relentless monotony of your life and resolves itself as something sweet and frosted, and possibly jelly-filled.

You realize — with growing dread — that the time has come to acquire donuts.

And that means you might kill someone.

In the ancient past (approximately 60+ days ago), acquiring donuts was a simple proposition. You went and got donuts. There wasn’t much more to it. How you did it didn’t really matter as long as donuts were acquired in as a quick and efficient manner as possible. It was rarely lethal.

Today, not so much.

A series of steps, precautions, and quasi-superstitious rituals must be abided by so that you don’t inadvertently kill anyone. At all times, you must operate under the assumption that you are harboring a highly contagious and unusually deadly virus while simultaneously taking care not to become infected by said virus. You are both potential vector and victim. This duality rules your behavior.

The best course of action is to stay put. Stay inside. Refuse the call. Forget about the donuts.

But you can’t. You’ve been without donuts for far too long. And delivery will take forever.

So you must venture into the outside world.

Before you do anything, you must wash your hands. Your hands are the enemy. They are in cahoots with the virus and they are always scheming of a way to sneak the virus into your mucous membranes. Wash them good. Clean them until they hurt. Punish them.

Don’t forget to moisturize.

After that, you are ready to put your shoes on. Like your conniving hands, they cannot be trusted. All shoes have been banished to the hallway, outside your unit. They must never cross the threshold. And so you put them on in the hallway, trying to keep your balance as you work your foot into each sole, without touching them. Making contact with the shoe means your hands have become contaminated, and thus, ends your donut quest. All progress is lost. You must start over. You must wash your hands again.